World’s Tiniest Violin Orchestra to Play Benefit for Millionaires Who Lost Beach Homes
Greenwich – The World’s Tiniest Violin Orchestra announced yesterday it will play a benefit concert at Lincoln Center to benefit the dozens of millionaires who lost their beach homes to Hurricane Irene. “Every little bit helps,” said Turner Vanderclamp of Belle Haven. Mr. Vanderclamp and his family were forced to evacuate to New Haven the day before the storm, which flooded their 12-bedroom beach side estate, “I feel like we’ve lost a piece of ourselves.”
Muffy Gladstone was just down the road surveying the damage to her family’s country cottage, which serves as their summer home, “The worst part is, Labor Day is just around the corner. We were planning just the most lovely neighborhood clam bake, but now I suppose we’ll have to fly to our condo in Palm Springs.”
Of course, holiday plans weren’t the only things worrying local residents, “Both my gardeners and my nanny are unaccounted for,” said Mr. Vanderclamp, “If I can’t get a hold of them soon, I just don’t know what I’ll do, there are branches and leaves everywhere, I may have to hire some immigrants if I can even find any.”
Neighbor Sterling Merril Johnston Howardsmith IV similarly lamented his missing manservant Francisco, “I still haven’t heard from him, a neighbor told me something about there not being any buses, but being that I’m not entirely sure what a bus is or why he would need one, I’m not sure what to think.”
The concert will be held Thursday evening. All proceeds from ticket sales will go towards purchasing bottles of Johnnie Walker Black Label Scotch for the affected residents.
My high school reunion was announced on Facebook two days ago, and since then, there have been almost fifty comments on the post with people fighting, putting each other down and blaming one another for the manner in which it was planned. Needless to say, I have decided I am definitely attending…
I Really Don't Care That You Have A Penis: A Tirade
Every week or so, I’m reminded in some starkly appalling way how shit I have it because I was born a girl. Recently, someone asked me WHY I think women have a hard time in male-dominated fields, and honestly, while I have a few ideas, the best I can do as a non-graduate student is share how it feels to have the short end of the stick, so to speak.
1. I’m cool. But I have to explain that to everyone, and then I have to feel bad about it. Just because I wear a skirt doesn’t mean I can’t handle a dirty joke. It usually takes awhile for most guys to understand this, I’ve met guys who wouldn’t even use swear words around me, as though I were their mother or something. I probably know some of the dirtiest jokes and stories you’ve never heard, and will freely tell them when in like minded company. Unfortunately, this is also something society has told me I need to feel badly about, so, after the fact, I usually do. It’s really hard to reconcile being “feminine” with the desire to also snicker whenever someone says “balls” and the constant use of the word “fuck” in daily conversation. However, if you make a joke about jacking off and I don’t laugh, it’s not because I’m grossed out, it’s just because, well, as a 26 year old comedian in NYC, I’ve heard just about every jerk off joke that exists, and am no longer mystified or shocked by the fact that guys have dicks that they masturbate. Sorry.
2. I hate female culture. This might seem weird. Trivial, even. But honestly, I hate so much of what is marketed to me. So, so, so much. Some things are fun sometimes. Makeup is fun sometimes. But a lot of times it’s a terrible, time-consuming, money-draining waste. The same goes for clothing. Music is hit or miss. Sometimes you get Adele, othertimes you’re banging your head against the wall because someone called Taylor Swift thinks you care that her boyfriend dumped her. But mostly I hate all TV and movies that anyone who is in entertainment thinks a woman my age should like, for example The Hills, Grey’s Anatomy, The Bachelor (a show I hate so much I should really dedicate a whole post to it), these are all terrible shows. This is a bigger deal than it seems, because it often leaves me at a loss when trying to fit in with groups of women I don’t know very well. Imagine trying to fit in with a group of 20-something males if you’d never seen Family Guy or the Simpsons, or worse, hated those shows? That’s a little what it’s like.
3. I can’t have opinions. Actually, what I should say is, I can’t say what I’m thinking directly and concisely. If I disagree with/direct someone, and do so bluntly, I’m automatically being a bitch just by the fact that I didn’t set it up with an “I’m sorry, but…” or “I just FEEL that…” Everything I say has to be inserted into a conversation delicately and must be accompanied by an apology. If I accidentally forget to speak this way, I have probably 5 seconds to follow my sentence up with a direct apology: “I’m sorry” or a disqualifier: “That was stupid, sorry”. If I allow myself to get REALLY assertive about something I care about, I must be hysterical and should be backed away from slowly. (I know this sounds ridiculous, but next time you have a conversation with a woman or hear a woman who isn’t a politician talk in a group, listen for it, and you’ll be amazed at how many times a day women apologize for just being in the room.)
I’m gonna cut this off at 3. Certainly there’s so. much. more, but you don’t have all day and neither do I. Suffice it to say that just because I’m a lady doesn’t mean I can’t do things or handle life or hang out with the guys. So seriously, just let me play in your stupid fantasy football league, assholes.
Now, I want to draw your attention to two statements:
"Catholic schools and hospitals employ lots of non-Catholics. The language also requires a religious employer be one that “primarily serves persons who share its religious tenets” but, again, Catholic hospitals and schools take care of all people. Under this rule, we would have to kick out poor Protestant kids from our schools, and refuse to treat Jews in our hospitals."
"…to be clear, the issue is not contraception. There is no effort to force our views on contraception on the whole society, only an insistence that society’s views not be foisted on us. Many Catholics disagree with the Church’s teaching on contraception to be sure, but if the government can dictate to us on this point, it can dictate to us on any point. And, then, the First Amendment becomes meaningless."
So, I feel like this is the point where I need to clarify that “forcing your views on contraception on the whole society” is pretty much exactly what you’re doing when you refuse birth control to people who seek it from you as a health care provider. These patients aren’t coming to you for moral guidance. And absolutely no one is mandating that devout Catholics be forced to use birth control against their will, so the argument that this violates the free practice of your religion is meaningless, unless a tenant of your religion is to “force your views on contraception on the whole society”.
To use an example that’s already been brought up in this debate, blood transfusions are forbidden to Jehovah’s Witnesses, but if I have a doctor who is a Jehovah’s Witness, is he allowed to deny ME a blood transfusion?
And don’t even get me started on the ridiculousness of a bunch of dudes who’ve (supposedly) never had sex dictating that “fertility shouldn’t be suppressed.” Puh-leaze. Grow up, Church.