I wrote Michelle Bachmann's next campaign speech for her.
Tonight I attempted to write (another) sketch about the ever entertainingly psychotic Michelle Bachmann. I ended up writing what should really be her next stump speech.
"Hello, my name is Michelle Bachmann and I’m running for president.
I have the will, and the courage, to say ‘no’ to the big government spenders in Washington.
Did you know that ever since the passage of Obamacare, Obama’s death panels have killed off more than 2 million jobs? Also, did you know that Obamacare funnels billions into free drugs and condoms for 18 year old, svelte, freshly waxed young gay boys with sandy blonde hair to use during hard core anal gang bangs that take place in the hallways of our public schools? It is my promise to you: if elected, I will repeal Obamacare immediately, and insure that no one under the age of 65 ever be allowed anything resembling healthcare. Not even vitamins.
I believe all Americans have the right to choose: work or starve. For too long, our nation’s destitute have been a drain on our tax dollars, lazing about in luxurious public housing projects and shelters. I can assure you that our just and loving God never intended for the poor or disabled to reach puberty. Why else would He have made them that way?
Finally, as president of the United States, I will make the serious cuts that have to be made, so that we can finally get our budget balanced. I vow that I will never again raise our debt ceiling, and I believe we as a country will be stronger for it. Because, the truth of the matter is, real Americans carry their own mail. A real American isn’t afraid to shoot a potential looter on sight, fight off the packs of ravenous wild dogs that will rule our liberated streets with only a butcher knife, or fashion their own tourniquets from scraps of leather and sticks. We as a people are strong, resilient, and hard-working. A real American drives their SUV straight through the doors of that abandoned Walmart and fills their trunk up with as many filament light bulbs as they’ll need to survive in our post-apocalyptic, libertarian utopia.
We need a new leader who will stand for our Constitutional right to a government that exists for no reason other than to fund your grandmother’s gambling habit, ban all forms of birth control, and oversee the methodical extermination of homosexuals.
I’m Michelle Bachmann and I approve this message.”