Sarah moved to Omaha when we were in about the 3rd grade. She and I became fast friends, since we were both tomboys who liked to talk in funny voices and play video games. I used to go to her house after school almost every day. We’d walk home together while rapping memorized Salt N Pepa verses, then we’d play Sonic the Hedgehog, drink hot cocoa, and watch Beavis and Butthead. It was awesome.

She was a lot like the big sister I never had. She taught me how to put on nail polish, and make up, which I got in HUGE trouble for trying to wear to school once along with a midriff bearing T-shirt (by 7th grade I was every parent’s nightmare daughter).

We became the kind of friends who, after spending all day at school together, could come home and sit on the phone together for HOURS talking shit about people. This was cool for Sarah because she had her own phone line in her room (WHAT?! So cool!), whereas I had to sneak around the house unplugging all the other phones in order to receive illicit past-curfew calls. To this day I don’t think I’ve talked to any other human as much as I did Sarah.

During sleepovers at her house we’d watch Now and Then together, trying to pause the tape at exactly the moment that you can supposedly see a boy’s thing. We watched Scream when it first came out on VHS, and we were so fucking scared you guys, oh my God. Sometimes we’d walk to the convenience store to buy candy at like 10 o’clock at night and feel so grown up and bad ass. On New Year’s Eve one year her mother let us share a glass of champagne. We both found it absolutely disgusting.

In junior high, she got a boyfriend named Jon. And, not wanting to leave me out of this experience, “set me up” with his friend Mike. This meant we went to the movies together as a foursome and awkwardly stood around places at the mall. He was my first kiss, on a bench in front of the mall Santa, with Sarah standing there going “Just do it already!”

We ended up going to different high schools, but, even as we grew apart, we were still friends by the default of having known each other the longest. One night, when we were 15, we ended up at the Ranch Bowl, at 11 pm, on a weeknight, hanging out with a bunch of guys from local bands. It was just as sketchy as it sounds. My dad has probably never been angrier than when he showed up in his pajamas to get me. It was so cool.

6 years ago, on the Sunday before Memorial Day, my mom called me to tell me that Sarah was dead. She had taken her own life. It was a total shock. It’s something I still haven’t really figured out. I was living across the country, and I found out too late to attend her funeral, but I remember going to find her grave. If ever I had thought there was any glamour in death, it was gone when I saw the lonely headstone that was now all I had left of my best friend. Deep down, I’m always a little bit angry with her for missing out on all the rest of it, for leaving me behind. To this day I spend a lot of time wondering if I should I have realized how quickly things were deteriorating for her, and what I could’ve done.

But mostly I just miss her.